Move closer, lean in, get curious; even for a moment, experience the feelings without labels, beyond good or bad. Welcome them. Invite them. Do anything that helps melt the resistance. –Pema Chödrön
How’s it going?
When people ask me this question in passing my first impulse is to tell them my whole story, even though I know they’re just being polite and friendly. They don’t really want to know:
- I couldn’t sleep last night.
- My coffee tasted old this morning – and p.s. where is the nearest Starbucks?
- I’m sick of always having to clean up after everyone.
- I haven’t worked out in days and I feel like a whale.
- I’m famished and cranky.
- What was I thinking to wear these shoes… my feet are killing me.
- Darn, I wished that I had bought that jacket I saw on sale yesterday. I can’t believe I let that one go.
- Will this pain that I feel in my knees ever stop?
- I can’t deal with everyone’s whining…
I’ll usually retort with my own equally non-present, fake-happy Good! (with the little lilt on the top of it), just to move things along.
That’s me living on auto-pilot.
So how do you respond in a way that feels more authentic, especially when you’re in a hurry and you have a million things swirling around in your head?
What if the next time someone asked you how you were “doing,” you could move past the stories (that no one really asked to hear anyway), and go direct to tuning into the feeling beneath the story? To use the connection with the person as an opportunity to quietly check in with yourself and allow whatever it is you’re feeling to arise – without (and this is key) judging it or doing anything to fix it.
What makes this exercise one of the most basic and powerful in my world of clearing is this:
- It takes only seconds of your time.
- You become more present with yourself.
- You become more available with the person you’re talking to.
- You become more present with your surroundings.
- You can clear tension by simply observing and feeling it.
- You become more discerning about how and where you spend your time in general.
- You become more discerning about who you choose to hang out with (i.e. someone who makes you feel good).
Awareness. It changes everything.
Responding from a place from awareness changes everything.
–Excerpted from Chapter 8, “Tune In” – Your Spacious Self: Clear the Clutter and Discover Who You Are by Stephanie Bennett Vogt
Hierophant Publishing © 2012 – All Rights Reserved
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Teacher, author, and internationally-known expert in space clearing, Stephanie Bennett Vogt brings over 35 years of experience to her inspirational clearing programs, consultations, and writing. Her passion is helping people clear a path to their true nature and best life – one moment, drawer, living space, and good laugh at a time. 
Nourishing lessons in slowing down, simplifying, and self-care, this unique guide shows you how to clear your home, quiet the mind, and restore your spirit. Even if you don't think you have "clutter," you'll love this book! 
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this is so true, I actually hate the question “How are you” since my son died in May 2012 in a motor accident. How ridiculous to ask, when it is obvious that one is not well, nothing is ok or fine anymore. And a lot of people only ask out of politeness, as you say, but they really don’t want to hear the truth, as soon as I began telling them, they came along with all sorts of other ailments and problems, I didn’t want to hear either, as they were peanuts against what I went through (in my eyes) so next time you just say, I am ok, but it is a horrible lie, but this is the answer they want to hear. But you find out who really is a friend and cares and who only want to help and get credit for that from all other people around, always mentioning, what they have done for you then and there and how and what else, so they do care only for themselves and when they realized, that there were other people doing me a lot better than their company, they just told me, ok I am not coming to your house anymore, I don’t want to intrude, but if you need me and invite me, I will be here.
The result was, I did not feel that I need them anymore, all the stress all the trouble they had to endure during the day of week, I didn’t want to hear it anymore….so a friendship came to an end….even if we are only living around the corner from each other and I cannot even say, that I am sad about it…….how a tragedy like loosing your own child can change your whole perspective of live….
Thanks for your ear…lately I feel I can talk to complete strangers here in blogger world more comfortable, than to people close to me…how strange….
Hi Claudia,
Thank you for your note. This space is for all of us to be real. I’m glad you felt like you could share “how you are” in this moment.
Sending you spacious blessings as you process the unimaginable loss of your son.
All best,
Stephanie
Hello Claudia:
My heart goes out to you. I just joined this site or would have reached out sooner.
I as well lost my only son, as well as my husband and a daughter between 2005 to 2010.
I can honestly say a group gathering of strangers helped keep me going after the sudden loss of my son. They were called “Compassionate Friends.” Each one had lost a child.
We were “on the same page” as it were and there for each other. As you noted strangers seemed to understand more than others, including family members. We were unable to come together as a family and help each other so each one retreated into their own corner of the world. Most uncomfortable, needless to say.
After the loss of my son my husband became seriously ill for the second time. Almost a year of crying, praying and fighting for his life left me a widow. 6 months later, soon after Christmas, my middle daughter lost her life.
We must continue to be strong as well as seek help when needed. Sharing in a room with others, who are going through the same thing, does help. Listening to each other with our hearts as well as our spirits will help us through.
Admittedly it takes time and never goes away. The only thing I can honestly say for myself is, I have accepted that life does go on and I am not about to be left behind. I am almost 80 years old.
Blessings, Barbara