“Don’t let them think that we’ve broken down; that we’ve cracked up. We’ve merely dropped leaves for further spring.”–Rumi.
Yesterday I went from being on top of the world to being on the bottom in less than two hours. From the highest of the high to crash and burn to no time flat.
It was the day that a huge email blast went out announcing the second edition release of my book: a gorgeous email sent out by a high profile messenger on my behalf to his list of tens of thousands of people.
The day started out with a bang: a thrilling adrenaline rush of page clicks, email series subscriptions, sales on Amazon… All the metrics were looking really good. Years and years of writing, preparing, designing, getting all my ducks in a row, and I was cruisin’ – finally getting my moment in the sun; giving my book the big launch it deserved.
It was like watching my horse sailing into first place way ahead of the pack, with all my money in…
Until my horse came to a grinding halt, stopped dead in her tracks.
The server that I use to host my web site inexplicably crashed. All links and all access to my Web site and book goodies snapped shut like a clam for the rest of the day. The gig was over.
I was incredulous. Punched out. Defeated. Left high and dry in the middle of my despair and not-knowing, with my winning ticket hanging limp in my hands.
How could this happen? Why would the Universe tease me and let me down like this?
And then miraculously, from some dark corner in the “temple” of Facebook (of all places), came this message from one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Pema Chodron. With her deep compassionate eyes and beaming smile, she had a message for me, direct from the Big U:
“We are told about the pain of chasing after pleasure and the futility of running from pain. We hear also about the joy of awakening, of realizing our interconnectedness, of trusting the openness of our hearts and minds. But we aren’t told all that much about this state of being in-between, no longer able to get our old comfort from the outside but not yet dwelling in a continual sense of equanimity and warmth.
Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It’s the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than buy into struggle and complaint. The challenge is to let it soften us rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what’s happening, we begin to access our inner strength.
Yet, it seems reasonable to want some kind of relief. If we can make the situation right or wrong, if we can pin it down in any way, then we are on familiar ground. But something has shaken up our habitual patterns and frequently they no longer work. Staying with volatile energy gradually becomes more comfortable than acting out or repressing it. This open-ended tender place is called bodhichitta. Staying with it is what heals. It allows us to let go of our self-importance. It’s how the warrior learns to love.”
I bawled my eyes out.
Of course. How could I not remember this? I write about not-knowing in the book.
But I forgot. I got greedy. I was lost in self-importance, caught in the spin cycle of agenda, control, and small-mindedness. The Universe was giving me a huge assist by pulling the plug.
The server is running again. Web site is up. All systems humming along.
I have no idea how many book purchases, new email subscription sign-ups, or Facebook “Likes” I might have received had this technical glitch (and my meltdown) never happend.
But something tells me that in all its exquisite messiness, my big launch day played itself out perfectly. If only to let me know that things always work out even better when I get out of the way…
… and not everything is what it seems.
Photo: Wave by Clark Little
Your timing is impeccable, at least for me. I had the same day, while torrential rains poured outside. At some point, I just went to bed.
And woke up this morning with an epiphany. And now this.
So true. There really is something about Pema, isn’t there, that brings you right back.
I have a feeling your book will do just fine. Thanks for all you did to get it out there!
Thank you so much, Christa, for sharing this!
It so reminds me we are all in this together and there is something WAY bigger going on that we need to make room for! And when all else fails, there’s Pema.
I still feel a little raw and tender this morning. Moving slow.
I would love to know what your epiphany was…
Good luck with your book sales, email subscriptions, and days to come.
I think that I am somewhere in the middle now of a stream that is still running along–maybe a little more slowly–occasionally getting stuck but then moving beyond or around that obstacle. Not knowing what’s coming next. But not afraid either.
Attended synagogue services this morning and there were two “simchas”. One was for a man, who is celebrating his 90th birthday and looks like he is still in his 70s. His advice is to “enjoy every day”. The other celebration was for a couple that are getting married next week. The couple is well known in the community because the bride is a young rabbi and the groom is a popular educator at the local Jewish school. People were so happy for them that we (yes–I was one of them) spontaneously started dancing a hora aground the synagogue.
We didn’t forget about 9/11. The rabbi led us in a special prayer about 9/11, too. But our sadness for the lives lost on 9/11 did not detract from our joy in celebrating the birthday and upcoming wedding. Life is a mix of all these things. Isn’t it?
By the way, I’ll be spending the month of October in San Miguel de Allende.
Dear Stephanie! Thank you for “showing up” in my life – your timing is simply impeccable! Sharing your soul and your wisdom with the humanity takes a lot of courage and humility – YOU ARE DOING IT, congratulations! What an INSPIRATION you are for so many of us who are still stuck in excuses… The message from “the Big U”(love this expression!) was also The Gift from the Angels that obviously never leave us , even when we are in the Void, feeling all alone… I am grateful to you for sharing it this morning!.. The MAGIC of the DIVINE FLOW is back! Life feels bright, juicy and delicious, when we are in that Flow, interconnected by similar frequencies of appreciating LIFE with all it’s ups and downs…
Dear Yelena,
Thank you so much for your support for your “magic, divine flow, bright, juicy, and delicious” comment! It makes writing “messy” posts like these so totally worth it. So thank YOU for the life-filling frequencies of joy you have brought to me and everyone who is reading this….
on the tenth anniversary of 9/11 of all days!
Many blessings!
Powerful, Stephanie! can’t help but think, from mess, fresh beauty arises… big hugs, Water Sister!
YES! Phoenix rising from the ashes into an even more bountiful garden.
Hugs back, water sister!
Dear one – I love this post and sent it along to Elliot, too. The middle place of “no knowing” is familiar to me and your post is a wonderful reminder of the choice to either be there grasping for dear life or resting in the grace of the world… xoxo R
I loved this so much. I have loved the book, the messages and now the facebook page. This has helped me so much as I’ve battled clutter for many years and am finally at a threshold where I have a place for everything and “most” everything is in it’s place. Daily I declutter and weekly I glean out extra “stuff” Makes a big difference.
Love this! Thank you your kind words, Sandy. It’s testimonials like yours that give people hope and make this journey so worth it!