“One minute you are feeling calm, self possessed, happy.
Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt,
slips into your mind like a spy.”
–Yann Martel, Life of Pi
I’m in Mexico as I write this.
Face masks have sprouted everywhere in my town of San Miguel de Allende. All schools have closed until May 6th. The death toll continues to rise as swine flu sweeps the nation. The media is having a field day. The world has hit the panic button.
I notice thoughts spring up like little geysers. “Should I be worried?” “Will they let me out of the country when I head back to the States on Thursday?” “What was that little twinge I just felt in my upper chest…?” “Oh-oh, forgot to wash my hands again…”
I chew on these for a while and then some little awareness nudges me back to center. Back to calm. Back to watching the show.
When I can do more witnessing, I notice there’s grace. And magic. Like last night when I went up on the roof just as a crescent moon was setting behind the Parroquia, the main church in town.
It was smiling.
In case you’re interested, here’s the rest of the passage by Yann Martel from which I took my quote today:
I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention.It shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One minute you are feeling calm, self possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering, Your anxiety becomes dread…
Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you’ve defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.
The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight to express it. You must fight to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”––From Life of Pi by Yann Martel
-
[…] This post was Twitted by spaciousself – Real-url.org […]
Leave a Comment
I was going to travel back East soon, now we are waiting. I’ve been afraid way so much in my life but am not ashamed of it anymore. When things are going in the right direction there is this amazing grace that happens. Even though I’m still afraid I know its there and I let the angels guide me. Don’t forget amidst your intellectualizing to ask for their assistance!
Have a safe trip.
Jen, thank you for this and reminding me that there’s a whole universe of support just waiting to be asked! It’s amazing how often I forget call upon it. 😉
Feeling afraid right now. I’m about to leave for a consult with another plastic surgeon about my hand. May need additional surgery. Trying to stay calm and maintain perspective.
Awww….. I’m so sorry to hear this Janet! I don’t know if you have a copy of my book, but there’s an entire chapter called “Be the Observer” (Ch. 8). It might help calm the part of the mind that is overwhelmed and in fear. In the meantime, regardless of how it plays out, I send all my best wishes for a speedy and easeful recovery!